Surviving the Quarantine: Post 5
Well, its been another week and I have Surviving the Quarantine Post 5 for you all. This has been another odd week in a nonstop ride of strange. While I am one post closer to creating a habit, my depression is currently clawing at my brain. My writing is slowed, and my energy on a downswing.
Still, I refuse to give up and intend to write 18 more of these if I have to for the sake of forming a true habit. Make sure to check out parts one, two, three and four.
The Bad:
Good news, I don’t feel suicidal. Bad news, in a week I’ll be over 1200.00 behind on bills. I lack the ability to pay rent and am behind on last month as well. My auto insurance has also not been paid in months. I owe a total of 450.00 on that as of right now.
Job prospects continue to disappoint. Multiple people tried to refer jobs I was qualified for. Yet despite their best efforts, I did not end up being able to make use of these opportunities. Perhaps the writing samples I am providing are not good. The problem is, many of my most relevant business articles are hidden behind NDAs. I can’t be the only writer with this problem. Right?
Politics:
No need to talk about politics again. Well, not really. Politics is always important. Right now focus is on whether countries are able to reopen. My money is on no. Even if Republicans try to force the Democratic cities which create far more for the economy than the rural zones do, the people still have to choose to take part in the economy.
Ironically, partisanship is working against those who want to open the economy. But I have an idea on how to fix that. Dear Republicans: simply throw Mike Pence, Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell and all their loyal lackeys in jail and put Democrats in charge. In exchange, you might get your economy going.
Seems like a fair compromise to me right? You do care about the economy starting up again. Indeed, many of you have stated again and again that getting the economy going is the most important thing right now in the United States. Certainly a few sacrifices can be made for the greater good.
Other Problems:
Well, this week I had a normal conversation with my mother. Those of you familiar with my personal life know that means that we discussed, then jumped to politics, where we proceeded to argue. Now before anyone gets upset for me admitting that I argued with my mother while she is recovering from the Coronavirus, let’s set the record straight.
Returning to normalcy is a sign of recovered health. The sky appears blue, fish swim in the water, and I argue with my family. Those are inevitable parts of life. The fact that the third is even possible should be seen as positive. My mother has the energy to debate me again. Before, she didn’t feel like herself at all.
Anyway, I almost spun something negative into a borderline positive. Let’s get back to negative. That way, I can focus on the positive fully afterwards. While some of the darkest days might be behind, I have a new problem. Or rather, an old problem is making itself a new issue.
More Problems:
Persistent Depressive Disorder is never going away. I have to learn to adapt to the fact that part of my brain will do whatever it takes to defeat me. As my depression has realized that it won’t win via suicide, its going back to an old wound. One that I know won’t heal, so instead I continue to try and isolate it.
Indeed, I have worked so hard to isolate it, that the very fact that I am about to talk about it fills me with shame. Shame because even seeing the words appear on the page evokes feelings of pettiness. There is a virus killing people. The economy is crashing. And yet, my mind is fixated on something far more personal. Something so irrelevant that I don’t even know how to react.
I’m sure that is my depression’s intent. Hurting me with a complex weave of emotions that I am defenseless against. Its like dealing with a person trying to claw their way into your soul and when they can’t get in through conventional means, they try outside the box tactics.
Something Pathetic:
Well, that word filibuster only stalled for some time. Might as well say whats bothering me. Even as I gnash my teeth and prepare for the messages of people telling me that this issue I suffer from is such a non factor that I can easily dismiss it.
Oh look, Ross is complaining about his love life again. I don’t understand why my depression takes so much glee in forcing me to reflect on this one life failing far above any other. I still suffer PTSD Episodes even thinking about Valentines Day and while most of it involves cyber bullying accusations and a school shootings, I am unable to ignore the other aspect of February 14th.
But here I am taking time away from your day to angst about my love life yet again. Being locked in quarantine has drawn a lot of attention to domestic abuse. This leads me to wonder why domestic abuse is so common among couples.
The circle jerk of pain continues when I wonder why these individuals, mostly male are seen as desirable. Meanwhile, I have never abused anyone, including my cat. More importantly, despite what Juicy Campus once had my former University believe, I have never sexually assaulted anyone. Hell I have never even had sex and I’m 30.
Me Ranting:
Oh look, clearly this is a cry for attention. I’m such an incel, thinking that I deserve sex just because I exist. Look I fucking know how stupid this all sounds. I am cringing even realizing I’m writing about this in the blog post. But I promised I would be raw in these posts and completely honest with myself.
Depression keeps fixating on this one aspect of my life. I can’t stop thinking about this oddly specific failure no matter what else I do with my life. And quite frankly, I don’t even know if I am capable of completely changing who I am for the sake of attracting a woman to me.
After having my heart and soul gutted. After repeated times losing everything I cared about, I replaced love with hate in my heart. I started cursing Gods name hoping he would strike me down for the longest time. Then after that, imagined how happy I would be if I could strike God down and sit on his throne myself.
Even More Ranting:
Oh look I went on a power trip tangent. See, that’s how petty I see this whole romance issue I have to be. I would rather say something outrageous just to stop thinking about it. And yet my stupid brain won’t let me. My depression keeps forcing a specific question and it haunts me all day and night.
How awful must woman view me if they see rapists, pedophiles, and domestic abusers as more attractive. How many moral failings must I suffer from to be put in a class beneath what I consider to be the biggest scum on the planet? Am I less than scum? Not even worthy to be the dirt on a boot. Some days, like today, I think that’s true.
Stopping Myself Here:
Well that was pathetic. Sorry that just bled out. Let’s move on I can’t believe I just wrote the above. This would have been a significantly more positive post if my thoughts could stay buried. Anyway, moving on before I end up deleting half this post.
The Good:
Let’s focus on the positives. Gotta do something to keep going forward. Even if my thoughts continue to call me delusional for even saying something so bold. Let’s start with something I keep forgetting to mention.
Just because I have not mentioned Pokemon Go in a few weeks does not mean that I have abandoned it. Indeed, I still am going on walks playing the game each day. I just figured that since I’m devoting a lot of these posts to my Nuzlocke, its implied that I’m playing Go as well.
Bloodborne:
Let’s talk about Bloodborne too. I’m trying an inefficient build for shits and giggles. So I went Arcane/ Bloodtinge with just enough Skill and Strength to use the weapons I want. Unfortunately, I am having a lot of trouble getting through Forgotten Castle Cainhurst for the Chikage. In the meantime, I’m braving Forbidden Woods dual wielding guns.
And although this build is not optimized, there is something amusing about fighting with a Reiterpallasch in my right hand and an Evelyn in my left. As for the Arcane part of the build, I have a Tonitrus, a Fire Rune Enchanted Saw Spear and a Hunter’s Torch. Even if the damage is average at best, I am good enough at Bloodborne that I can make a silly build work. I’ll eventually get my Chikage with a bit more leveling and some luck.
Dungeons and Dragons:
Dungeons and Dragons continues to help me move forward. Though stress made it so only one of my campaigns happened this last week, I have high hopes that this problem will fix itself soon.
Anyway, the campaign I’m basing the Centrum Glacies Series on spent most of the session role playing with npcs. The story continues to move at a wonderful pace. The party is starting to spot the many webs being cast around them. And things are about to get wild.
The group just entered a world renowned red light district. Have I mentioned that almost the entire party is socially awkward if not inept? Funny moments will be nonstop and I’m looking forward with the sadistic glee that only a Dungeon Master is capable of.
I am also enjoying playing as a Player Character rather than a Dungeon Master in the one Campaign where someone else jumped at the call to run the show. Playing a Dark Magical Girl Ranger is such a fun experience. I am going to transplant this character into one of my books. She’s such an interesting and complex character from the little of her that I developed.
Animal Crossing:
I’m continuing to play Animal Crossing as well. I only play for an hour a day so I don’t burn out. Sometimes I just need mindless tasks to keep myself going. Playing certain video games at certain parts of the day also helps me keep some sort of schedule.
Random Bits of Positive:
But wait, there’s more. During a prior stream, I rage quit at a mini game involving pull-ups and threw some hands. (and a controller) However, the song that plays during this mini-game is so hype that it has turned into a workout theme for both myself, and a few of my viewers.
My next Twitch Emote is gonna be Tifa doing pull-ups. It fits my stream well and helps create a community by keeping a joke unique to my game play. Anyway, I did a cool thing thanks to all the hyper generation.
The other night, one of my followers who happens to watch another Twitch Stream who I have been best friends with since my childhood, put the song on his music playlist. Immediately we both did squats. I’m proud to say that in about a 3 minute span, I did 110 of them. My knees seem to have forgiven me. And my body was excited for the burst of energy.
I made use of the sudden burst of dopamine and completed an assignment I had put off for almost a month. Now that I got an important outline completed, I’ll have a chance to present an excerpt of my story in front of an audience that normally wouldn’t be exposed to my work. Maybe I’ll build some sort of opportunity?
Nuzlocke:
Anyway, the small fry is out of the way. Let’s talk about what you all are really here for. The next part of my Nuzlocke Story.
Red Adventure Part 9:
After a whole lot of level grinding, I took on the fighting Dojo in Saffron City with Psyconut. Psychic beats Fighting. I was gifted Bruce the Hitmonlee as I secured my victory.
It was time to put Team Rocket’s plans to bed. So, after crushing my way through Silph Co, destroying Gary’s Team again, and ultimately crushing Giovanni a second time, I stopped the evil team in their tracks. I was rewarded both Nessy the Lapras and a Master Ball for my troubles.
Red Adventure Part 10:
Unfortunately, my team was many levels below where they needed to be. I set out to train the entire group. This leveling session took a lot of time. Many wild Raticate, Spearow, Fearow, and Doduo died for the sake of power and victory.
But these deaths served a purpose. Drill Me evolved into Rhydon. And my final preparations were complete. Sabrina fell easily to my powerful team. Even with her type being Psychic Pokemon, the strongest type in generation 1, she stood no chance against my onslaught.
But two Gym Leaders stood in my way. Koga the Ninja Master was next on the chopping block. After losing two Pokemon to Self Destruct, and knowing that his ace Pokemon, a Weezing also packed the move, I used Drill Me and one shotted every member of his team with Earthquake.
Red Adventure Part 11:
With two more badges now mine, I finally could use surf and explore one of the only places remaining in Kanto. But as I reached Route 19, I fished up Not Dragon the Horsea. Meanwhile, on Route 20 I caught Supa Star the Staryu. But Seafoam Island sat nearby and although I skipped the Articuno, I caught Squeal the Seel.
I finally got to Cinnabar Island home of Mewtwo’s birth and land of fossil reanimation. Once Lord Helix was born into the world as an Omanyte, I also revived an Old Amber into Angry Bird the Aerodactyl. Venturing into the Pokemon Mansion, I encountered JamesBaxtr the Ponyta. Next I fished on the cities coast and managed to snag Pearl the Shellder.
I decided to use Angry Bird and trained him alongside the rest of my team in preparation for the next gym battle. Though the grind was long, it was made easier than the one I had committed too earlier in this same chapter. This time, the casualty list included wild Ponyta, Grimer, Koffing, Weezing, Muk, and Growlithe.
The power granted by those stepping stones allowed Spicy Bork to teach Blaine how to properly use Fire Pokemon. My faithful companion dug a hole for each member of the Gym Leader’s Team and buried them along with his fiery ambitions.
Red Adventure Part 12:
The adventure was not over yet though. One Gym Leader remained and though the gym had been closed since the start of the game, my destination was way back near the beginning. Still, I had route 21 to explore. I captured Hentaimon the Tangela along the way.
Back in Veridian City, I took on the last gym leader. To the surprise of no one, it was Giovanni. His extreme money and power ensured he had a gym to hide in while rebuilding Team Rocket. He would have succeeded too if it wasn’t for a meddling 10 year old kid being controlled by a 30 year old man and his pet serpent, Fury.
Red Adventure Part 13:
With all 8 badges in my possession, it was time to head for the Pokemon League. Gary tried to get in the way, and was swatted aside like annoying flies tend to be. He and I had almost identical teams. I taught him that it was only luck that allowed him to have the same 8 badges as me.
Along the way to Indigo Plateau and the Elite 4, I crossed route 23 and encountered Narcissus the Ditto. I stopped this leg of the journey at the entrance of Victory Road. But before I climb through this final cave, I have one more location to visit.
You will have to watch my Twitch Stream or wait till next week to read about that. Look forward to the stunning conclusion of this Nuzlocke in next week’s post.
Closing Thoughts:
You know, when looking at the things that make me happy, its almost like the fact that I’m sinking into poverty and that I’ll be lucky to ever be loved romantically are just a bad dream that stalk me from behind. I am not sure what the future holds for me. I just have to keep finding things to enjoy and hope I can find solutions to problems that seem impossible to solve.
Well, that’s the end of this entry. I started writing this on a Thursday, got crippled by depression and stopped writing. Its now 3 am Eastern United States Time on a Friday early morning. I powered through and finished writing. Sometimes you find energy in strange places and even stranger times.