Surviving the Quarantine: Post 4
Hot on the trails of increasing misery, here is my Surviving the Quarantine Post 4. 19 times left before this becomes a permanent habit. Be sure to check out the first, second, and third parts as well.
Politics Strikes Again:
My finances have only deteriorated further from when I last wrote about it. Despite my hours at my job being extremely low already, they got cut even further the last time I worked. Seeing that this is a trend, I am not sure if calling myself employed is even accurate anymore.
Lots of people continue to tell me that any job is better than no job. I have to ask those same people if working for one hour a week with a minimum wage paycheck is better than nothing. Seems that the opportunity cost outweighs that.
Lest we forget that my tax return is being delayed thanks to administrative fuckery, I finally got through the unemployment website prompts. Now I am depending on the same system that failed me prior to fail me a second time.
When I went through the motions and researched why the unemployment system is so messed up, I made some grim discoveries. And its time to get political. No way to sugar coat it. Rick Scott is not human. He is a wretched fiend pretending to be human. It no surprise that he looks like Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter.
It Gets Worse:
Even worse than the complete scum who now represents half of Florida in the United States Senate, are the idiots who voted for him. America continues to be ruined and plagued by idiots so selfish that they would rather sacrifice everyone outside their tribe just to keep their way of life. They are currently showing their white privilege by storming Michigan a second time armed to the teeth.
Is it too much to ask that the police treat these “protesters” the same way they treat innocent unarmed black men and women? I mean like or not, dead people don’t vote. At least not Republican if the conspiracy theorists are to be believed. I’m ok with that given the alternative.
Now that I have made myself sound far saner than I am, lets get into my personal problems. My mother is still far from recovery from the Cornavirus. I was distraught after the conversation and constantly worry about her.
And Worse:
But its amazing that I have any energy to worry about anyone. Earlier this week, I was only one phone call away from grabbing rope and hanging myself. It shouldn’t be shocking that anyone might reach that level of danger under these conditions.
I am far from anyone as far as normal is concerned. I suffer from Persistent Depressive Disorder. This lovely form of depression is extremely difficult to treat even when compared to the more well known Manic Depressive Disorder. Many years ago, I was on medication, with doctors hoping that they could treat my condition. My Depression defeated every medication that was put into my body.
This time around, I almost surrendered to my brain for what seems like the millionth time. There is no amount of positive vibes, or thinking of the good that can overcome this mental trauma I carry. In fact, positive vibes and happiness cause me pain. Trying to force me to be positive against my will only puts me in danger.
Depression is No Joke:
Hell, let me deviate for a moment to point out that I am planning a short horror story that showcases just how dangerous it is to try and force someone with depression to be happy. I got the idea from Stephen King’s It and I promise that its just as terrifying as it sounds.
Anyway, back on track, if the doctors I spoke to have no idea how to help me properly, I can promise that you, yes you, those of you that claim to love me and want what is best, have no idea how to help me either. I should point out that I know how to help me. A stable job, proper income, and health insurance together are the only solution to this problem. Anything less is an increasingly weaker stopgap.
And to the well meaning people who keep recommending warehouse and other manual labor jobs, I have a new problem to contend with. Somehow, I have done damage to the muscles in my back. I have been in constant pain for the last couple weeks. Can we please stop with those job recommendations and get back to real ones? You know like the ones I went to school and got submerged in a lot of debt for?
Do I sound angry? Do you think I am ungrateful? That I am demanding too much? Don’t worry, the anxiety coursing through every fiber of my being is agreeing with the depression that none of you will care. That I will be told to grow the fuck up and man up. Those whispers remind me that every step forward is a mistake.
Seriously its No Joke:
You cannot defeat that piece of me. I am doing my best to fend it off. But like it or not, there is a part of me that wants the rest of me dead. And only when the conditions above are fulfilled will I be safe from that fragment of myself in any lasting capacity.
Right now I am wandering lost in a haze. That dark mist sometimes prevents me from doing things that are dear and important to me. I have now missed an open mic, a memorial service for a mentor, and many other activities. I am losing myself. That this is only getting worse terrifies me.
One final thing on this. Please stop telling me “to trust in God” or “hang in there”. I have not trusted in God in years. I view it as the ultimate enemy of humanity. A cruel Demon that causes genocide and suffering for fun is not someone I pray to. Humanity does not have free will that can defy a God. Please stop with that excuse. As for hanging in there. As the Visual Novel Doki Doki Literature Club makes clear, “hang in there” is a euphemism for suicide, notably hanging yourself.
Wow. Looking at all the above, the negative in my life is growing. Every one of my posts keeps the negative and positive on opposite sides so that I am able to look at both. The write up above is almost as long as the first two posts were individually. That doesn’t bode well. I really hope things improve by next week. But let’s be real. Lots of people are in danger. I doubt my life will be improving any time soon.
The Positives:
Well despite what part of my brain has to say on the subject, I think I’m still happy to be here. Since I’m still alive and sane enough to write, let’s focus on the good things I have been doing to keep moving forward. I’ll start with the most recent thing. Something I did today to help recover from the last couple of horrible nights.
I played Animal Crossing New Horizons. Really I don’t know why I did. I am not really a fan of these sort of games. Maybe the mindless work that kept my brain distracted was what I needed. Perhaps the probably impossible goal that I can turn my little corner of a shared island into a Bloodborne inspired haunt inspired me. Great Old ones please grant me insight.
I also want to touch upon how I was saved the other night. That important phone call led to me playing Civilization 5 with a close friend for a long enough time that the intense energy keeping my breathing erratic and my mind racing finally subsided. I won’t say who this person is, but they know who they are and they saved my life.
Dungeons and Dragons:
I am now running three Dungeons and Dragons Campaigns and get to be a player character in a fourth. These events are among the few keeping me tethered to reality instead of being completely lost in a haze. Since I only work one day a week, its helpful to have some sort of schedule to follow. Given my depressed nature, my thoughts and feelings have spilled into the tales I am weaving in these campaigns.
Cycle of Millennia:
Notably, the first campaign has my players fighting for their lives in a cave filled with supernatural hallucinogenic poison gas. As this mist is created by the God of Madness in universe, even magical immunity to such effects has no power here. The players have attacked each other, illusions, and currently an ancient Dragon. Whether any of this is even happening or all a figment of their imaginations has yet to be seen.
Be sure to check out Cycle of Millennia, a series of books written that are based on this campaign. The first three are already published. This my blog. I am allowed to shamelessly pitch my books right?
Centrum Glacies:
The second campaign is not much better. In this setting the players were scapegoated into starting a massive world war. And so that they are not killed by any of the armies, a horde of Vampires, or a powerful Witch who is above the law they are forced to work with the former apprentice of said Witch. This means they are being used to hunt down innocent civilians so that the coven she controls can suck out their souls to keep them young and beautiful.
This campaign is being adapted into a series called Centrum Glacies. I am hard at work adapting the first part of the story into a novel.
Non Adapted Campaigns:
The third and newest campaign might still be in the early stages of the story, but is no less intense than the others. In this campaign one of the players actually is a criminal. Unfortunately, they made the mistake of committing crimes in a country where the nobles make up the law as they go along. Thus the party is currently fighting in a tournament to escape imprisonment. They have already learned that many of the other “criminals” are innocent and just want to survive. Unfortunately, these matches only end when one group is killed by the other.
I do not plan to adapt this campaign into a book series. But that doesn’t mean I won’t put my all into creating the best campaign I know how.
Can’t forget the fourth campaign either. I may not be the dungeon master, but I’m still expressing myself. I’m playing a female gnome ranger with incredible stats and lots of talent who has lived a horrible life due to a ton of circumstances outside her control. Currently an escapee from prison, she is known as a contract killer. Said character only wants to get as far away from that part of her life as possible and start anew.
It remains to be seen how the Dungeon Master in that campaign will make use of this character. I might bring her into one of my books though. I like the character a lot and I have not explored anyone like her as of yet in my stories.
Bloodborne:
But wait there’s more! Anyone who knows me knows how much I love the game Bloodborne. I dived back into Yharnam, Yahar’gul, and the Nightmare of Mensis once again with more game knowledge. Also, I finally braved the Chalice Dungeons.
But after gaining confidence thanks to besting The Bloody Crow of Cainhurst, Watchdog of the Old Lords, and even a much more powerful Rom the Vacuous Spider, I got stuck at the Bloodletting Beast and decided to go into New Game + to better prepare for that fight. The real question is, Burial Blade or Blade of Mercy?
Nuzlocke:
Well I got the quick positive stuff out of the way. Now let’s get to the part those of you who read my last post are most eager for. The Pokemon Nuzlocke portion.
I continued to stream this game on Twitch and even though I took a few days off for the personal reasons I mentioned above, I will be ready to go, even tomorrow. Look forward to this as much as I do. Its one of the most positive things happening in my life right now.
Red Adventure Part 5:
After a long level grind, Stinky was ready to take up Spores’ place as the grass type of my team. I finally made it through the rest of Rock Tunnel and emerged in Lavender Town on the other side. Stinky evolved into Gloom along the way. Finally I got my chance to name Fearow properly. May the entire world fear SpiralKing
In the Pokemon Tower I ran into Gary again. He accused me of not having any dead Pokemon. I channeled the fury of the dead and crushed his team. Never forget Sux, BirdJesus, Mascot, and Spores died so that I could make it this far. Hell, Gary’s Raticate was the one who killed BirdJesus. Its only fitting that my team got revenge and killed his unnamed Pokemon in return.
On Route 8, I met Spicy Bork the Growlithe who immediately was added to my team. Upon reaching Celadon City, I immediately evolved it into Arcanine with a Fire Stone. Once Spicy Bork was ready to go, I moved on to my next challenge.
Red Adventure Part 6:
I bested Team Rocket in their hideout. I even beat down Giovanni and his dangerous Kangaskhan. He left behind the Silph Scope and it was time for me to return to Lavender Town. But not before I caught Doh! the Doduo on Route 16.
In the Pokemon Tower I caught Plasmius the Gastly. Then after putting an angry ghost to rest and crushing Team Rocket again, I finished my tasks at Pokemon Tower. I gained the Pokeflute and I knew where I planned to go next.
Before I moved on in the game though, I returned to Celedon City and abused Erika’s AI. The poor Gym Leader tried to poison a poison type to no avail. I claimed my 4th Gym Badge with minimal resistance.
Red Adventure Part 7:
Next I made use of my Pokeflute and woke up a Snorlax on Route 16. I caught Sloth and continued my way down Cycling Road. Unfortunately, a casualty was immanent on Route 17. After going so long without one, Marcel, my beloved Mr Mime ate a self destruct. Just like Spores, he died a cruel death.
Sloth was added to my team instantly. No more will I take lightly Pokemon who can self destruct. Along Route 17 I caught Cthulu the Tentacool. After arriving in Fuchsia City, I returned to Lavender Town to check out the other road to my current location.
On Route 12 I met Fexy the Goldeen and battled the many trainers that stood between me and a city I could easily fly to. But the road proved to be long and constantly flying to Lavender Town grew tiring. Once I reached the halfway point, I flew back to Fuchsia City determined to tackle this path from the other end. Before I did anything else, I caught MonbearBB the Krabby.
Red Adventure Part 8:
However, while there, I could not ignore the Safari Zone and the countless powerful Pokemon that lived there. On the road to getting Surf and Strength, I encountered Psychonut the Exeggcute, Drill Me the Rhyhorn, GinjaNinja the Paras, and !Nani! the Psyduck. I added the first two to my team instantly. Notably Psychonut fulfilled a role that combined the late Marcel and Stinky.
I returned to Celedon City once again to evolve Psychonut into Exeggutor and set to work training my new companions. I delight in the irony that my team is quite similar to Gary’s own. Fitting that I should crush his dreams with an image of them.
I ended the day’s journey on Route 15 where I met Butterfree the Venonat, named such from much prodding via the chat on the stream. Look forward to the rest of this adventure in my next post. We are getting close to the good parts. But never forget the fallen: Sux, BirdJesus, Mascot, Spores, and Marcel. May their sacrifices not be in vain.
What a Journey:
Ya know. Its quite refreshing to see that despite the fact that the negative in my life continues to increase by a significant amount, the positive is growing even faster. I still have a lot to live for, even if at times I forget. This blog post was a journey just to write. A testament to the whirlwind that has been my week.
If nothing else, these blog posts will help give me a reason to keep going. I have so many more stories yet to tell. Let’s hope that the horrible is less and the great more next week.
I have said it before and I’ll say it again. Suicidal thoughts are no joke. If you or a loved one is in that dangerous and dark place, do not hesitate to reach out for help. 1-800-273-8255 is the National Suicide Hotline Number.