Surviving the Quarantine: Post 9
The Quarantine continues and I have post 9 for you. While the world has changed little, my mental state has gone through a lot. Make sure to read the other parts too.
Crisis:
Soon after I wrote my prior post, I mentally collapsed. My thoughts jumped from suicidal ideation, to the much worse plan of action. I called a close friend once again. But I admit now that I had an ulterior motive. Given everything happening in the world, I am distressed to acknowledge that I was hoping they would call the police. My mental plan was suicide by cop.
I feel dirty thinking about what I was doing when I spoke to this person who put up with me through the night. I told them that I was still formulating my suicidal plans while they tried to keep me calm. However, I was lying. In truth, this was all part of trying to trick them into calling the cops.
When I realized just what levels the depression that had very successfully hijacked my thoughts was willing to take to get what it wanted, I considered checking myself into the psych ward right then and there. Unfortunately, if I did such a thing, my life would only get worse.
I’m already in massive debt. Medical bills would only make my life worse. If I went to the hospital, that would mean losing my job and the small bit of income I have. That is not an option. As much as people keep telling me my mental health matters, the harsh reality paints a different picture.
There are bills to pay. I need to eat food to survive. My auto insurance is no longer putting off my payments. The little money I know have needs to go towards paying what I owe that company or I will not legally be able to drive.
Debt Trap:
I will owe my insurance almost $600.00 come July. In addition I will owe my roommate almost 1500.00 on missed rent at that same time. I make 60.00 every two weeks. You do the math and tell me how to dig myself out of this hole. Depression and Anxiety tell me that death is the only escape. Mania is saying that I should flee the country and never return while hoping the debt doesn’t chase me across the ocean.
After applying for 50 jobs a week for the last three weeks, I don’t feel confidant that I am on the way to solving this problem. With the Coronavirus starting the second wave, and with more people dying than before, my job prospects will only continue on that downward trend.
Politics:
I want to continue to be a part of the protests, but I lack the energy to do much. No hope, and no drive to move forward are keeping me mired in place. Voices keep telling me in dreams that choosing to live is a mistake. Fitting thoughts in a world that hates me for committing the crime of existing.
But I don’t even feel right making any of this about me. Black Lives Matter, now and always. And the United States has a large part of the population that seems to disagree. Clearly having lynchings of innocent Black men and women around the country shows their intent. And if anyone thinks that these reports are truly suicide, I assume you think Epstein killed himself too.
A Poem:
The sun continues to set with no sign of ever rising again
Innocent folk are slaughtered en mass by lawmen
Darkness grows and purges the light
All hope in the world has transformed into spite
The most cruel of humans call the shots
They hide from what they sow on their yachts
The screams of the masses fall on deaf ears
Benefiting from despair describes their careers
There is no justice in this wretched land
Those who wish to survive are rendered bland
Creating anything beautiful is punished
Until you rot with a gravestone polished
I can’t take this world anymore
I have no chance save through a backdoor
My life is a wretched mess
I have no ability to reach success
I’m running out of reasons to survive in this failed timeline
I need help in the form of a lifeline
Its game over and I cannot win
I lack the tools to survive this world of sin.
My life is spiraling out of control. I have had episodes of auditory hallucinations. I’m fearful that I am starting to lose my hold on reality. The problem is, there are parts of me that would be more than happy to embrace madness.
Danger:
There is a nonstop war happening in my head. It is an unwinnable war. Eventually Depression, Anxiety, or Mania will take me over firmly. Right now, these three mental illnesses control more of my mind than the rational parts of me. Their territory only grows by the day.
Unless my life drastically changes yesterday, I am fearful that things will only descend into deeper madness. Someone, anyone, please help me. I am running out of energy to help myself. I need someone to throw me a rope out of the dark before I throw myself into the abyss.
Despair is beckoning me closer, but I still have found a little good to fend it off. My little sanctuary of sanity may be besieged on all sides but I still have a few things to cling to. I want to talk about those things.
Remaining Light:
I still have Dark Souls 3, Bloodborne, Pokemon Go, Pokemon Sword and Shield, Town of Salem, Civilization V and a few others to keep me company. About half of these games deal with the darkness in Humanity and the grim outlooks that I feel as a constant. Happy things like Animal Crossing are not helpful right now which is why I am avoiding them.
As far as Anime, Tower of God is the standout. The others shows I watched do not convey the feelings I bear in my heart. This one does. And in a few weeks, Re: Zero returns. That show heavily inspired some of my work and I will hang on for dear life if for no other reason then at least that show will grant me one.
I also want to mention two other video games that are important in my life right now. One of them is outside of my buying range while I already have the other.
More Games:
The first is Jackbox. Notably, I played a game of Quiplash with a large number of people on my Twitch Stream the other night. Even today, people logged onto the chat when I went live to ask when that would be happening again. I am already working on having a proper answer.
The second game is Persona 4. Somehow, Atlus avoided leaks and got the Golden Version of the game. While I prefer Persona 3 and 5 to this more lighthearted game, this is still a Persona Game and worthy of being played. I had meant to find some method of streaming the game on Twitch. And when I can afford to, I’ll get this game and get to work on doing just that.
Writing Projects:
I have also worked on a few different stories. Notable ones include a corrupted Alice in Wonderland tale, a brand new Dungeons and Dragons campaign that includes The Fair Folk, A Body Parts Black Market, Fantastic (this means fantasy, not good. I need to set the record straight) Human Trafficking, and all the other things one would expect from one of my stories.
Speaking of Dungeons and Dragons, I still ran two sessions this week. While story wise, neither one progressed too far, mechanically, both sessions were difficult to execute. Both campaigns involved fights with unusual attributes.
Cycle of Millennia:
In the Cycle of Millennia Campaign, my level 20 party took on not one, not two, but three Drow Matron Mothers. These enemies have lots of spells at their disposal. They are designed to be end game boss fights. A single one of them is capable of summoning multiple enemies and casting all sorts of effects.
Well that is exactly what happened. Each one summoned a Demon to aid in the fight. Two managed to pull an Arch Succubus (Ie a combat variant of everyone’s favorite sex Demon) and the third summoned a Retriever. This last creature is able to stun a target before grabbing them and teleporting to another dimension.
I should mention that the Arch Succubi also have spells. The Two Demons cast thorn walls to try and separate the party into smaller groups. After all, trapping that strong knight before having their way with them is exactly what a soul stealing sex demon would do.
Meanwhile, one of the party members had been granted a mysterious vial. They used their own magic to transport this payload to the Matron Mothers. This act complicated things farther when said potion summoned deadly tentacles all over the battlefield. And they attacked every living thing nearby.
Demonic Summoning:
After prevailing over the Succubi and Retriever, the party brought the fight to the Matron Mothers. They also kept the tentacles at bay. However, when the first Drow fell, she used her dying breath to summon another Demon. This time a Balor. Those of you who have seen Lord of the Rings might be familiar with the Balrog. Its that.
However this group has fought such Demons before. One of the group simply sent it back to the Abyss from whence it came. They will probably fight it again later since the entire goal of their campaign at the moment is to invade the Demonic Realm. This group should be fine though. They have fought the legions of hell for quite a while now.
After the second Matron Mother got struck down, she also summoned a Demon. This time a Marilith appeared instead. This many armed snake Demon posed a major threat since the party could not just de-summon it. However, they weathered the storm which forced the last Matron Mother to flee. After seeing the group slay everything that she and her allies could muster she realized she was outmatched and chose to live and fight another day.
The party prepared for their next trial. These three Drow Matriarchs guarded a Temple to the Demonic God Kranaak. This being presides over madness and destruction. There is no telling what the group will face once they enter.
Centrum Glacies:
The other campaign was far less serious. The group needed a key to proceed. The one remaining zombie mage had it. Seeing its companions all die, this creature did something the party was ill prepared for. He ran like hell.
The dungeon the party entered to take on Vampires is a massive maze with holes in the walls. While they continue to search for an enemy that can teleport all over the dungeons through mirrors, it continues to take shots at them through said walls.
In the middle of their search, other enemies got back up off the ground and fought the group as well. The only notable thing that happened though was one of the players watched their science project get blown up. Quite frankly though, it just saved the character trouble. They were planning to do the same anyway.
Nuzlocke:
Well I made it past all the other topics and continue to nurse so inner darkness. Let’s get to the part you all came for. Its time for the Nuzlocke portion of this post. Be sure to come on Twitch.tv and watch me play live if you don’t want to wait a week for updates.
Emerald Adventure Part 9:
Armed with Rock Smash, I went to Vandanturf Town and got Strength next. With that complete, I went to Route 111. The Pokemon on this route live in a desert that I couldn’t enter due to a sandstorm. So I was forced to pass this by and go to route 112 instead.
On this next route, I caught Old Demon the Numel. A key addition to a team in need of steel type answers. Pleased with this catch, I returned to the trick house once more and trounced a narcissist at his own game. Little does he know that I only come here to battle trainers.
After properly training Old Demon, I went back to route 112 and braved the Fiery Path. Inside, I caught Smol Flesh the Slugma. I admit it was a disappointing find compared to Old Demon. On the way through here, Paarl evolved into Manetric
Next I reached the other end of Route 112 and prepared for the next area. Route 113 is one of my favorite places in Hoenn and it is unique in the entire Pokemon series. Ash fell from the sky and the nearby volcano was the cause. I caught Skelewheel the Spinda on the way through.
Emerald Adventure Part 10:
Fallarbor Town was a quick stop on my march west, but Route 114 was my goal and something amazing happened there. I encountered Wyvern the Swablu. After multiple adventures without a proper dragon I caught a little fluff ball that would one day turn into one.
Next up was Meteor Falls. And while there are many incredible Pokemon hiding in here, including the might Bagon, I caught Bat Wing the Zubat. Really, I could have caught him anywhere. Oh well. I also encountered Team Magma at the end of this cave. Seems I’m enemies with two evil teams this time.
After Team Magma ran off, I gave chase to Mount Chimney. They had some evil scheme at the top of the already mentioned volcano. This time the actual Leader and one of his Admins got upset at a ten year old interfering in adult matters. They got taken down, completely ignorant of the evil spirit controlling the meddlesome kid.
Emerald Adventure Part 11:
With Team Magma dealt with for the time being, it was time to head south towards Lavaridge town, the site of the next gym. Standing between me and that location sat the Jagged Pass. A suspicious Team Magma Grunt stood out from the path. And when I went to speak to him, he vanished into a rock wall. Mighty strange… Anyway, on the way down the mountain, I caught Yuria the Machop.
I reached Lavaridge and decided to train a bit before taking on Flannery and her fire type gym. It didn’t take long as this group of Pokemon were shaping up to be quite powerful.
I fought my way through the gym and reached Flannery. After worrying that I would have some difficulty taking her on, Lab. Rat swept her whole team. Water quells the flames of passion and I crushed this gym leader’s ambitions.
Emerald Adventure Part 12:
Content with my easy victory, I trained again in preparation for an extremely dangerous battle. Norman, this child’s father was the next speed bump on the road. His powerful team threatened to end this entire adventure and I needed to be ready. Before I left Lavaridge though, I got a Pokemon egg.
I also gained the ability to enter the desert. My normally useless rival finally did something meaningful and granted me goggles to see passed the sandstorm. Inside this dangerous place, I caught Rav Lizard the Sandshrew. Next I saw a strange tower that looked almost like a mirage. Entering this place as well, I caught Midir the Trapinch. Maybe one day, he will become a dragon too. At the very top, I grabbed a Root Fossil.
Knowing that I could resurrect a Pokemon from this item in Rustoboro City, I gained Fluorescnt the Lileep. Perhaps I’ll make use of it one day.
Emerald Adventure Part 13:
Once I was adequately prepared, I returned to Petalburg and entered the fifth gym. Norman was not the only danger here. While in the other gyms, the other trainers were nothing but free experience, this one was different. Each battle was a test to see if I understood everything that was Pokemon battling. And in one place, notably the Strength Room, I was met with not one but two casualties.
I lost poor Lab. Rat, my hero who destroyed Flannery all by itself. I also lost Wretch who had not even fully evolved yet. Lost potential made me curse the heavens. But refusing to give up, I grabbed Oceiros and Yuria. It was time to rethink my strategy. I also hatched the Pokemon egg and gained Snatcher the Wynaut.
Through some intense training Oceiros became the mighty Gyarados while Yuria transformed into Machoke. These two would aid me immensely against Norman and his powerful normal types.
Emerald Adventure Part 14:
After cautiously besting the rest of the trainers in his gym, Norman finally stood before me and an epic battle ensued. After crushing his first three Pokemon with ease, his mighty titan, the great Slaking appeared.
This Pokemon has stats on par with Legendaries and with serious attack power, it threatened to kill my entire team. But I was ready, both Hunt Dog and Oceiros are armed with Intimidate and cut his power down to a manageable size. I earned my fifth badge after a jarring battle.
I felt emotions swell after besting this trainer. The child’s father was one of the hardest fights in all of Hoenn. It would be smooth sailing for a good long while. Speaking of sailing, I got the Surf HM right after this battle concluded. A lot of Hoenn suddenly opened up, and I had places to explore.
Emerald Adventure Part 15:
But before doing anything else, I wanted my Dragon. Hunt Dog had served me well, and he had earned a break. Wyvern took his place on my team. Before I went to explore the vast seas in southern Hoenn, I returned to the trick house again. When will this narcissistic idiot learn that his tricks have no effect on a 10 year old possessed by the evil spirit of 30 year old.
With that out of the way, it was time to explore the oceans. On the way, Old Demon evolved into Camerupt. On Route 105, I caught Snuggly the Pelliper. I had already explored the next route and healed at at nearby Dewford Town before continuing on my way.
Next I reached an abandoned ship and despite exploring everything there, found no new Pokemon to add to my team. After a bit more exploring, I finally reached Slateport City again. On the way to more adventure, I entered a tunnel system below Mauville City and caught Molotov the Voltorb.
But there were even more places to explore with surf. So I returned to Meteor Falls and explored nearby route 115. There, I caught Corvian the Tailow.
But wait, I have not even talked about where I was supposed to with Surf. This time, I choose to enter Route 118 and with my newly granted Good Rod, caught Fishman the Carvanha. After some training on Route 123, but with nowhere to catch any new Pokemon, I moved on to one of the longest routes in Hoenn.
Emerald Adventure Part 16:
Route 119 is a massive jungle where it sometimes rains. But the weather stayed dry as I explored the tall grass. I came face to face with Angel the Tropius. Perhaps he will serve me well if I need to call upon his power.
At the end of the long route, I found a Weather Institute. Surprise surprise, Team Aqua was there too. Despite watching me thrash Team Magma on Mount Chimney, they tried to stop me from checking out the building. After crushing one of their admins, I was gifted Wisp the Castform as a thank you for saving the day. Really I didn’t do anything but claim experience from some weaklings.
Speaking of weaklings, Brenden, my rival wannabe challenged me again just passed the Weather Institute. I yawned at his weak team. However, my Wyvern finally transformed into the mighty Altaria at the end of the battle. I rejoiced at having a Dragon in my possession at long last.
I reached Foretree City and was ready to take on the Gym Leader Winona. My team was plenty prepared for her. However, something invisible sat in the way. Annoyed that I couldn’t make it move, I proceeded to the next route to see what else I could find.
Emerald Adventure Part 17:
I wasn’t sure what to make of my find on Route 120. Sif the Absol appeared before me. Apparently seeing such a being is a horrible omen. Have I been cursed by such a chance meeting. Who knows? Maybe the child will absorb any curse, letting the evil spirit controlling her to be protected. Whatever the case, I found Steven again. He is unfortunately still alive. I continue to assume he knows of my presence.
However, I choose to leave him alone as he helped me reveal an invisible Pokemon. Realizing that this was what prevented me from entering Winona’s gym, I returned to Foretree and solved the problem.
This gym was a cakewalk compared to the last one. The Gym Leader might have had a varied team, but so did I. Notably her ace was an Altaria. An under leveled one at that. My correctly trained one put her’s in its place. Such an abomination should not exist. I claimed the sixth badge with ease and gained the ability to fly around the world at long last.
First, I returned to the Trick House once again. This time, there were no trainers, just an annoying quiz. Angry for my time being wasted I flew back to Foretree.
Emerald Adventure Part 18:
I proceeded back to Route 120 and the long twisting trail that lay on it. Finally I reached Route 121 beyond it and caught Horace the Shuppet. In need of a Pokemon Center I fought my way brazenly to Lilycove City and finally, my team earned some rest.
But not for long, my weakling detector was going off. And when I walked over to the Lilycove Department Store, I spotted my too weak to exist “rival” again. I trashed him again and apparently demoralized him to the point where he decided to return home. Good riddance. Too many weak trainers in the world. After the battle, Yuria evolved into Machamp.
I tried to go check out the area east of Lilycove City, but it was blocked by Team Aqua. Remembering that on the way here, I saw some of their grunts mumbling about some place called Mount Pyre, I decided to give chase and see what they were talking about.
But on the way, I decided to check out the Safari Zone and found Corv Story the Natu on my little excursion. Finding nothing else of note, I left and returned to my adventure.
Emerald Adventure Part 19:
I reached the Mountain which turned out to be a graveyard. I caught Invader the Duskull before venturing up the summit. Once again, Team Aqua got in my way. What is a 10 year old possessed by an evil spirit supposed to do when confronted by organized crime? I crushed them all once again.
At the summit, I talked to an old couple who talked about two orbs that had been taken. While I found the idea of the world being destroyed to be an amusing prospect, I realized that Team Magma and Aqua were too incompetent to do the job properly. So I set out to find Team Magma’s base and steal the orb and show them how to destroy the world properly.
Remembering the suspicious wall entering grunt on Jagged Pass, I went back and found the Magma hideout. It happened to be in an area filled with, well magma(maybe lava) and rock. But one rock caused me a serious problem. I encountered a Graveler which I proceeded to catch. Instead, it killed my beloved Yuria. In fury I sent the rock Pokemon to hell.
Emerald Adventure Part 20:
I left the Magma Hideout in rage. But I knew who to replace my fallen friend with. And so a vengeful ghost, Invader joined the party. I trained him up to the same level as the rest of my team and in doing so, it evolved into Dusclops. Along the way, I caught Kindle the Kecleon who lurked on Route 123. The location I chose to train happened to bear some fruit.
Finally, I returned to Magma Hideout and caught The Flame, a Geodude. I named it as such to remember anger at the Graveler that robbed Yuria of her life. That anger carried me through the entire Magma Hideout. Once again I fought Maxie. Although he had a Crobat and Camrupt on his team, I crushed him all the same.
However, the fool proved that he was not worthy of destroying the world. He tried to wake up the legendary Pokemon Groundon. Such power was beyond this bumbling idiot and the Pokemon left, detecting what I had already seen: Weakness.
Emerald Adventure Part 21:
I left the Magma Hideout and returned to Lilycove to see what Team Aqua was up to. Apparently their leader was trying to steal a ship. Well I knew where I could find a ship, and found Team Aqua back at Slateport City. Like Team Magma, this group demonstrated that they did not have the ability to destroy the world. I chased them back to their hideout ready to thrash even more grunts.
At least Team Aqua had started realizing that a certain 10 year old was no joke. Their minions kept mentioning that their job was to simply slow me down. A shame that each of them was nothing more than a stepping stone in my pursuit for power.
I finally reached the end of their hideout and even stole a master ball from their lair. But Archie, the leader of Team Aqua chose to flee in a submarine instead of battle me. Instead one of his admins fought and lost instead.
There is a massive ocean to explore as I chase Team Aqua. And what is Team Magma up to. Most importantly, will I be able to best the infamous Murder Twins? Find out in my next Nuzlocke episode. Given my mental state, it might be one of the only things keeping me going.
Closing Thoughts:
Well my life is falling apart. And I feel the darkness closing in. Yet almost this entire blog post word wise was about the positives in my life. Its a shame that none of the light I have left can save me. These things that make me happy do not solve my problems. But if you have made it this far and want to help me, please, I need a lifeline. I don’t know what to do.