Surviving the Felon: Week of 10/24/2026
I’m back with another installment of Surviving the Felon. And for this week, the post is gonna feel quite different. I had a terrible week and I’ll get more into that in a moment. Right now it hard for me to survive The Felon. I am having trouble functioning as a human being. And while this economy and the terrible conditions have been made much worse by The Felon, there are aspects of it that I would struggle with regardless.
So before I continue with this post, and long before I offer the hope and light that I always meant to be the goal of this blog, I want to warn of an important trigger warning unique to this article. I’ll be talking about Suicide, Depression, Despair, and related topics. If these are topics that you don’t want to think about while reading this, and I don’t blame you, then this is your judgment free chance to stop reading here. Next week I’ll be back to my normal format.
Ok if you are still reading after this point, get ready because I’ll be forgoing the normal format of this post. There will not be a couple political sections to start things off because I’ll be talking about something deeply personal to me this week. And I know that doing what I am about to do with these upcoming words is a taboo to some cultures and people. I don’t care. This is my blog, my newsletter, and the life that I feel is falling apart, is mine to dictate.
The Bad
I want to talk about myself this week. Normally this would be where I list out all the political things happening. But not this time. When I wrote my blog post last Sunday, I was ready to move into the week optimistic. That all changed the next day. The Monday after, on my way to work, my depression which I had been fending off for weeks if not months finally broke through. And anyone who suffers from depression knows what happened next. Suicidal Ideation pushed all other thoughts from my mind. A serious danger while driving. And so my mind commanded that I drive off a bridge. My life was not worth living and it was time to give up.
I was not saved by strong force of will. Physics saved me. The roads I drove on were low speed limit and I was stuck behind rush hour traffic. Genuinely I believe only realizing that I wouldn’t be going fast enough to break through the fence. And so, I went to work despite the fact that clearly I was in no mental state to be going anywhere but home so I could call a crisis counselor. But that wasn’t an option at my former job. Yes former job. Much worse was to happen this same day.
As I arrived at my former job, I tried to push the intrusive thoughts out. And wasted so much energy in doing so that I made several mistakes that cost me tons of time. Not limited to locking myself out of my work vehicle, taking more than triple the amount of time required for tasks, and all of that leading up to brain fog where I started forgetting how to complete basic functions. This would lead to what would happen next: A chain of events that was impulsive and potentially life ruining.
The Worse
The week before this all went down, I was given my thirty day evaluation. During that my supervisor told me that I was not meeting any expectation at all. Which I should clarify is normal at that job for the small amount of time I had worked there. But in my honest opinion not how it should be. Anyway while with a rational mind that would have been an afterthought, I was not in a rational mind and so, my brain addled and also food deprived made a very bad decision. I would realize after the fact that the food issue might have been at the heart of everything else I’m describing.
Exhausted, in a brain fog, and starving myself for the sake of metrics I was not meeting, I impulsively called my supervisor. And I told him I was resigning immediately. My mind was made up. I couldn’t do this job and feared I never would. That was a big mistake. While I write these words, I don’t have a job. The economy is only getting worse and the chances that I can get another one are low. Worse, the jobs that I could get are likely to be just as stressful as this one if not more so. I had those same thoughts right as I got in my car to drive home in shame. And that is when Suicidal Indexation decided it had a second chance to correct its earlier mistake.
I sat in my car crying, realizing that I had thrown away a job for nothing. And that moving away from Florida and back to Illinois had been the gravest mistake of my life too. I thought about something I had written when I was younger that essentially pointed out that since I am Autistic, success is the only path to a real life. Any failure and it was logical that I put a bullet in the back of my brain and not miss. Words that echoed and drowned out any chance of positive thought.
Falling into the Abyss
When I hit crisis mode like I did on Monday, the part of me that cries out for help does so literally. If I had kept quiet about where my mind was, I might not be writing this blog post at all. But here I am still alive. Anyway, I confided how I felt with a few loved ones and then my brain broke. Realizing that all my goals were gone, I lost the will to go on. Deciding that since I would never raise a family, fall in love, or even write the stories that drive me forward, I went to a very dark place.
My thoughts shifted to the idea that all I would do would work terrible jobs till the day I died. And if that was the only future in store for me, then why work and waste my life away? It would be more cruel to try and reach for goals and fail. And so instead of driving home, I drove towards Lake Michigan. Eager to find a place where I could drive straight into the water, lock the doors and ensure I drowned, any ideas of hope were pushed away.
Things got even worse. As I drove towards the lake, I approached a railroad crossing. And as I started to cross the tracks, the gates started going down. This was my chance. The God that I had forsaken out of hatred, was giving me a clear sign that it was time to finally stop wasting this pathetic life I had been given. I didn’t clear the crossing. Instead I hit the brake. This was what I wanted.
Stopping Myself
Something in me forced me to hit the gas. I cleared the crossing, with more time than I had thought. A Metra Train carrying people who didn’t know who I was was spared the fate of learning of me posthumously. I’m still not sure what it was that stopped me from ending my life there. Maybe not wanting to impact so many innocent people? Or perhaps it was the fact that it would have been cruel irony to have my life snuffed out by a Metra Train.
Whatever the case, I drove around for a bit in a haze. That part of my brain so desperate to die demanded to know what I had done and why. The dark thoughts that pressed me towards deeper despair mocked me for being too much of a coward to die. And while I was having that crisis of the mind, I drove around aimlessly. While I was thinking that I would just find another area to drown in Lake Michigan, any will I had to end my life was gone.
Family tried calling me all through this whole ordeal. And I continued ignoring those calls. That dark virus of my mind demanding that I die and that every moment I lived was a mockery would not allow me to reach for help. I know that to do so would save me. And that part of me so desperate to finish the rest of me off couldn’t have that.
The Good
It honestly doesn’t seem appropriate to even have this section or anything else beyond it after what I wrote above. But its vital for anyone who feels as I did this last Monday to focus on what might be going right. Even if it feels delusional to do so. I certainly felt delusional when a friend called and I answered. We don’t choose our families, and sometimes we want to push them away when we feel they don’t understand. That is how I felt when I ignored their calls. But when friends started reaching out, and as it turned out because at least one member of my family had the sense to help me in the best way they knew how, I answered. Your friends are the people you choose. And the ones who reached out to me then, are the ones who are closest to me for a reason.
Talking to friends, all concerned about my well being pushed that horrific darkness away. Which is why I tell anyone reading this, that the things that you choose to do while in the dark place should be reflected on. Many times when we are depressed, our brains try its hardest to keep us from escaping. Its a prison in a way and the jailer is our own mind. Talking to my friends helped me pull myself out of the dark. At least a little. I stopped driving around and wasting gas. That has to be a positive right?
To really get at what I want to focus on here. Sometimes reaching out is vital. It could be what stands between life and death for someone. And I know its hard. I know when my friends reached out, I said some horrible things, especially about myself. Even when those closest to me were showing they cared, and even as I pushed that darkness away, I still felt worthless. After all, now I had no job. No income in an economy where people are being laid off. I had a golden opportunity and I burned it away because of an illness that strikes at the worst moments.
I have a long and tough road to recovery ahead. But I am on that road, rather than six feet under. The coming weeks will show me whether choosing to live and listening to the hope my friends gave me was right. I have to keep thinking it is. The alternative is too frightening for me to think about. And it would completely render pointless the kindness of my friends and family who have reached out. And I imagine many more people will reach out to me once they have read this.
Transition
Normally this is where I would transition away from political and turn inwards towards my own life and what I have been doing to stay sane. But everything above is clear signs that those methods have failed. I completely lost grips with reality and made my life worse. And while I am not a danger to myself as I write these words, the economy might crush me under its uncaring boot. That depressed part of me that hates that I was born is more than happy to remind me on a daily basis that I am not cut out to survive in this world.
Its one week of October left. Under any other circumstances this would be my favorite time of the year. And at least I got to wear a costume and visit with family. It took me a few days to be brave enough to interact with people. And slowly my family is learning about what happened to me. I’m ripping the band-aid off and publishing this so that others will know. Taking down toxic patriarchy means admitting my emotional faults and weaknesses. It means having empathy not just for others but for myself. And that starts by being honest about my feelings and emotions. I’m here and alive. But I’m still struggling to find purpose.
Moving towards the rest of this blog, I’ll be fighting tooth and nail to return to some semblance of normal. Just as this section is a transition between one of the darkest days of my recent life, and a path towards what helped keep the lights on, I hope that what helped me force a smile when I didn’t feel happy at all might pave a way for recovery. And remember that if you feel how I felt this last Monday, and fear that you are a burden and that your life should not continue, know that I am rooting for you. Even as I feel the same about myself. Do not give up. Our lives can hold meaning even if we have to redefine where we find it.
Workouts
Ha ha ha. No. I didn’t commit to my workouts this week. There was way too much on my mind. Normalcy is something I will have to work towards once more. And then once I have a job, I’ll have to change my schedule again. Who knows what the future holds. Whatever the case though, not doing these core exercises is an example of my depression hijacking my needs and wants to ensure I can’t do the things that keep me healthy.
Video Games
Well I no longer have a job, and plenty of free time that I can’t afford to spend money on. Video games it is. Currently I’m playing Fire Emblem Fortune’s Weave while I make sure to write every word that I can with the right amount of emotion. Its been a great game so far and as I’m writing this post, I finally made my way into part 2 of the game. The training wheels are off and the game just got much tougher.
Civilization 7 has been important this week as its a game I play with friends. Notably many of the friends who reached out to me in my time of need. And when I want to game alone, Genshin Impact is there for me to run around the world. The story is getting better, and I am getting better at pacing myself while playing the game.
Pokémon Go
Pokémon Go was important for me this week. It was one of the only constants when my life felt like it was completely falling apart. I went on a walk separate my blog while looking for parks within walking distance to make sure I always have somewhere to go if I need to escape my house for a while. But I also went on another adventure on the Des Plaines River Trail and made sure to write about that experience. Read about it here.
Despite being in an unhealthy headspace almost all week, I did my best to battle in my grassroots league. And despite the mental odds against me, I didn’t let that chip on my shoulder hold me back. In fact I won 2-1. And that felt good after all the other failures this week.
I still struggled a bit to play Go Battle League. And I really need to get back into it because I risk falling into old toxic gamer habits. Overcoming ladder anxiety and accepting that it is ok to lose is something that I have never been able to overcome. In fact feeling like I wasn’t good enough was a major contribution to my downward struggle. And now that I have free time, perhaps that is where one of my focuses should be.
Anime and Shows
Steel Ball Run helped me push some stress away. As I look for jobs, I need to diversity entertainment to push the darkness away. And Jojo always brings something unusual and different to the table. Its a good thing Netflix saw reason and is releasing the show episode by episode instead of all at once.
Meanwhile I’m making my way through Wano in One Piece. Its a long arc and I still have over 100 episodes to go before I finish it. But I am seeing now why so many people love this arc so much. It doesn’t feel like its dragging as much as a few other arcs. Probably because there is just so much happening.
Dungeons & Dragons
I played a session of my Centrum Glacies Campaign before all this disaster took up the week. And I intend to run another one before my next post. I will do everything in my power to prevent my current mood from stopping one of the most important things in my life. If you want to read what happened in that session, be sure to check it out here.
Writing and Editing
Well I mentioned that blog series last week. And one of the few things I really put my energy into was finishing that post. I’m rather proud of it. And a lot less proud that with my love of trains, my life was almost ended by one. Read a little of my excitement and energy that I hope I can reclaim in the coming months here.
I’m all done with the current edits for Earth Everafter Book 1. But now that I am once again without a job, I’ll have to delay moving forward until I get my finances under control. I’ll be explaining the situation to my editor. And I need to give him credit for his patience.
Reading and Podcasts
I have continued listening to Behind the Bastards led by Robert Evans and learning about some truly horrible people. I’m listening to a longer series and given everything that has happened to me, I needed to take a little break from political negativity. By next week I should have finished these episodes though. And then I’ll be ready to learn about more bastards. The world has historically been full of them.
I got a library card this week from my local library. And so I’m going to try and read more. Doomscrolling is a terrible replacement for holding a book in my hands. By next post, I should have some reading material in front of me.
Wrap Up
Normally I would write some platitudes about how we can stand together and defeat The Felon and Ice. And I still firmly believe that we must. But this week, I found myself powerless to stand up even to my own mind. A healthy mind and body are the first tools we have to keep sharp and clean to stand up to The Felon. And even once we put him in check, we still need to worry about the creatures pretending to be human that are propping him up.
Still, The Felon is fading. And while my mind tried to take me out forever, I fought back and won that battle. Not without casualties of course as my situation is much harsher than before. But after speaking to a crisis counselor I know I made the right move in leaving that job. Not only was I losing all my energy and free time, but I really was performing poorly. The way I see it now that I have a calmer head, is that while I would have more money, my health only would have spiraled further. I can’t imagine what might have happened if I continued to try and brute force my way through that situation.
Once October ends, we move into the voting part of the election year. Two years ago marked the last serious dark spot of my life. And not because of the Felon cursing those of us of sound mind by forcing his wicked will on us. I won’t get into what else happened though. There is way more than enough negativity on this blog post as it is.
I realized as I get to finishing up this post that October 25th is International Artists Day. As I continue to write and judge people who let AI do the work for them instead of taking that journey themselves, I beg anyone reading this who has a creative spark or even anyone who wants one, to create art. It doesn’t matter the form so long as you are creating it yourself.
Never forget who doesn’t understand art and sentimental stuff at all? The Felon. If my depression couldn’t kill me this week, The Felon has no right to succeed. As a human, I’ll show love and light to those we care about. Those things are what make us better people. In fact its what makes us human. Our heartbeats are greater than anything he stands for. While he destroys, I’m trying to rebuild my life. Our hearts craft beauty and wonder despite parasites trying tom steal our spark for themselves. We will Survive The Felon. Together we are unstoppable. ICE will melt. I will endure. We will endure.
When I made it home that dark Monday, I remembered that if I had not survived, I would have left behind a cat who would have wondered for the rest of his life why his person had never come home. I can’t explain to my cat why I am distressed but he knows things have not been right. He hasn’t left my side this whole week. I don’t deserve such pure love, but I needed the reminder that my cat doesn’t think less of me for impulsively making my life harder on one of my worst days.