Fighting With Despair
Some of you may know this, but others do not. I have had an ongoing battle with depression for most of my life. That feeling of hopelessness called despair, is even now, a constant companion. Fear of failure stalks me at every turn. The feeling that I need to succeed to be happy is my one ambition. But deep down, this primal fair of being useless and amounting to nothing is the most notable idea in my thoughts.
Every day, I question myself about what I am: An author that is still struggling to gain a reader base. A Human Rights Activist who fight for Autistics and Jews around the world. A retail worker desperate to get away from the constant cycle of intense work with little reward. A social outcast who has too big of a mouth forcing his friends away.
This is me being honest about how I see myself. This is me being truthful about my flaws as a human being. I pray every day that I can find my way in the world on my terms. Ethos is my hurdle to cross and my greatest enemy. For when I am taken seriously, I can reach my goals.
This is a catch 22 of course. To be taken seriously, people need to listen and for people to listen, one must be taken seriously. I find it discomforting to say the least the lack of faith those around me seem to have in my abilities.
I can only escape into the worlds I weave for so long. Only save fictional worlds from destruction for so long before I am pulled back to reality to be reminded of the real dangers of this realm.
Each day I continue walking forward is another day of depression defeated, but even the strongest man will tire eventually when carrying heavy shackles with every step. And while this self doubt remains in my heart, those chains will endure.