Campfire in the Dark
There is a metaphor I am fond of that describes my life perfectly.
Imagine you are lost in a cave. You are desperately looking for the way out. You wander, seemingly alone in the darkness. But unfortunately, dark creatures inhibit this cave. They refuse to let themselves be seen. Their red eyes are aimed at you. And as there is nothing else to distract them, those abyssal orbs are looking at nothing but you.
As the cave is pitch black, the only guides you have as you wander alone are these terrible lights as well as the walls that serve as barriers, changing the direction you move in next. If this entire scenario seems maddening and terrifying, you are correct.
Still the title above indicates that campfires are involved. Which brings us to the next part of this analogy. Guided by the infernal lights, eventually one finds an actual light! A light so bright that at first, your eyes cannot adjust and you feel more blind than before. As your eyes adjust, you find something other than what you sought.
Instead of an exit, you have found a cozy campfire. It keeps you warm, it sustains you. Best of all there are all sorts of goodies and maybe even a few friendly inhabitants at that campfire. You no longer pursue finding the exist to the cave. You are quite happy with you new lot in life and decide to settle down. Complacency though, comes with a price.
That campfire does not last forever. Eventually the fire dims. The sparks fade. The final embers are extinguished. You are plunged back into darkness. Into the cold. Once again, you are alone. The cruel eyes return. The stares you had thought gone back at their cold game of leering. And unless your imagining it, there are more eyes than before. Is it possible that the new opportunities you thought you thought gained, have turned to adversity.
And even worse, now that you have felt the small (and now senseless) victory, the betrayal of reality cuts much more deep. As you wander aimlessly through the darkness again. You once again grow accustomed to the darkness. You are consumed by it. Once again, hope of finding the exit is gone.
And just as you are ready to give up, once again you see a light. And once again its a campfire.
This cycle I have laid out has happened times that are not measurable in my life. Quite frankly these hope spots are starting to really wreck my sanity. I don’t want a temporary reprieve. I want to exit the cave and start living.
Being immersed in darkness is not a way to live life. Life should feel open, free and liberating. Instead I feel surrounded, blind, and enslaved. The only solace I know is that many of you reading this possibly feel the same. Still, this does little to lessen the blow. The pain still looms and all I have is hope of the newest campfire.