Remembering My Papa
August 31 has never been a day I have looked forward to. While 1998 seems like an eternity ago in numbers, it still seems like it was too close to comfort.
On that day all those years ago my Papa was finally bested by the Lung Cancer that he had been fighting for many years. He was stubborn to the end. This deadly illness took quite some time to claim him. And the time that became his final was of his own choosing.
The day after today, September 1st, is my birthday, the day after, September 2nd is my Grandmothers, just 9 days later, September 11th is my cousin Meghan’s. My Papa refused to let his passing cause extreme and long lasting grief to his family. He wanted us to live our lives in peace and happiness. To that end, he willed his own end on August 31. His final defiance against Cancer.
As I shed tears writing the post, I remember my Papa for the man he was. He built and repaired Televisions. He was living the American Dream of working a job he loved till the final years of his life. I was also his first grandchild. A grandson.
Due to the fact that he had all daughters, it was one of his greatest joys to have a grandson that he had never had before. He helped instill my deep obsession with trains, and although he probably would not want to know it now, his fascination with TVs lead to my own fascination with Computers. I note this here, because my Papa had been fearful of learning about this new technology right before he had gotten sick.
The me that existed in 1998 was a very different person than the one who lives now. In a way I am glad that my Papa never knew the me that feel into a deep spiral of depression and almost completely lost myself to despair years later. To him, I will always be his smiling, happy, grandson. I will not to him, ever be the cold and sometimes unpleasant cynic that I am today.
However, there are many things that I have accomplished despite my many many setbacks that I know he would be quite proud of. In fact surviving the ordeals I have would possibly be a point of joy for him. A testament to a fortitude akin to his own. In addition, the last few years have helped me gain a deeper appreciation for Judaism. One of his hopes as a Kohenim, was for his family to continue to embrace their Jewish traditions. Going to Israel and wearing a Kepah everywhere is a testament to this hope.
I have published a novel and written countless blog posts, both personal and professional. This week marks me finally casting off the chains of menial jobs and moving towards work that I enjoy, just like my Papa. This week, most notably the day that I have chosen to write this blog post marks an equally monumental day in my life. I have returned to school full time. The last time i was able to be in school was in 2011. Its been a while, but I finally can say that I am putting the pieces of my shattered life back together.
Wherever you are now Papa, I hope you are proud of me for my accomplishments. I hope you do not judge me for some of the more terrible and sometimes heinous acts I have committed as I grappled with mental illness and despair. I hope especially today, on the day that marks your departure from this world many years ago, that you are helping to guide me and shape me into the man I have always wanted to be.
You may be gone from this world Papa, but there is not a day I don’t think about you. Rest in Peace, now and always.