Despair: Self Doubt
The last couple of days have been an emotional roller coaster. I promised I would write these blog posts in the now and right now. I will admit I am beside myself. While yesterday, I was on cloud nine, tonight is the opposite. Part of it is to blame on my emotions being a little edgy for sure. But I do suffer from Chronic Despair which will not the same as Chronic Depression, can have many of the same effects,
Right now, I am having self doubt. Self doubt that I am deluding myself. Self doubt that I will not to be the first to graduate college in my generation, or get married, or have children. Self Doubt as I am the oldest or same age as my siblings and step siblings, cousins and step cousins.
Self Doubt that I am a leach to my family. Self Doubt that my skills are meaningless in this world. Self Doubt that my ego is far too high for my above average at best writing skills.
Self Doubt for my political beliefs which have made me branded a traitor by many Jews. Self Doubt about my income level which has had people remark to me that I need to grow up and leave thinking to the people who have earned it.
Self Doubt that my excitement over freelance jobs may come to an end soon if I cannot continue to create good content. Self Doubt that each time I get a new job, I make less and less money. Self doubt that I have run out of things to cut back on and am sacrificing my health now to survive.
And worst of all, I am having Self Doubt that writing this blog post is doing nothing more than making me look like a whiny little brat that is craving attention. Self Doubt that I will be pleased that I even wrote this later.